Kelly: The First Decade

Tomorrow you will turn 10 years old. You entered the world at 11:16am on June 29, 1999. And I became a mom.

I remember what an easy baby you were. Who needs all these “What to Expect” books? It’s so easy. She sleeps, she cuddles, she eats, she burps, etc. What’s so difficult about being a parent (I would learn, a whole lot is difficult about being a parent sometimes).

10 years of watching you grow. You started out this very delicate, porcelain-like infant that grew into a toddler with fiery red hair and blue eyes. You then morphed into a preschooler with auburn hair and hazel eyes. Now your hair shines a million different colors in the sunlight and your eyes are a warm brown.

Last week you lay down on the pediatrician’s table and I realized that you are inches from having your feet hang over the edge. Wow, when did that happen? I remember you being so tiny that they’d lay you on the table and mark your length on the paper, in inches.

10 years of wondering if I’m making the right choices. 10 years of being the one who decided when to call the doctor, send a note to a teacher, or restrain the motherly urge to fix everything in your world. I thought I would know so much more by now.

For 10 years, you’ve been along for the ride on every major decision I’ve made. The horrible decisions that occurred before you were even 2 years old. Not what I had planned for my innocent little girls-how I wanted to protect you from all of that. You’ve never known what it’s like to live in a world with mom and dad under the same roof. Never known what it’s like to have dad living in the same house, city, or even state. It’s just never been part of your world. Weekly phone calls, birthday cards, and visits to Texas and Michigan are part of your world. You take it all in stride. Always excited for whatever is offered to you. I’ve never heard you complain.

10 years of moves. Wisconsin to Michigan at 7 weeks of age. Michigan to Indiana in a whirlwind at 23 months of age. Indiana to Tennessee at 5 years of age. From the suburbs to downtown and back again. You’ve trusted and been excited for each adventure. Your only complaint has been that you’d like a room of your own…still working on that one. You’ve been the new kid and have blended in with a variety of groups. You have a knack for picking some of the best friends around, and people have genuinely loved having you around.

In the past 10 years, you’ve gone from having only “2 lows to share” in our dinner time game of sharing 1 High and 1 Low of our day to having nothing but giggles and highs to share. You’re walking taller these days. It’s fun to watch. Fun to see you try new attitudes and personas on for size. I love who you are and who you are becoming.

In the past 10 years, I’ve watched you go from a brief stint as an only-child, to a toddler big sister, to a preschooler who just wanted her little sister to stop breaking her things, to a big sister who loves and protects her little sister. Tatum adores you.

You have every right to hold it against Tatum that she broke the heads off every single thin-necked Disney princess crayon when you were 4 years old, but you don’t (all the Jasmine and Ariel crayons with their thick, flowing hair survived, it was a bad day for Disney princesses with up-dos like Cinderella and Belle).

You are the reason that Tatum knows what it’s like to have a friend. For the last 8 ½ years, you have been her primary, and sometimes only, playmate. She knows what it’s like to play Littlest Petshops and dress up and have tea parties because you’ve had the patience to tough it out with a little sister who has autism.

It’s weird to think that I don’t have another 10 years with you as a child. I can’t wrap my mind around that. In another 10 years, you’ll be the age I was when I was married. When I think about what’s ahead, I’m not even sure how it works. I always pictured myself as a mom with little kids, not a mom with a tween or a teenager. It’s bizarre to think I’m closer to the driving and dating days than to the diapers days.

There are lots of moments I want to steal back of your 1st 10 years. Some of the times are a blur with me working fulltime, 2 little kids on my own, going back to school. But I’m glad for the memories I have. Steamers in the coffee shops while discussing great (or not so great) works of art that hung on the walls. Watching you smile and laugh for the first time. Watching those first steps. Hearing you speak 1 word then start to string multiple words together. First days of school. You being bitten by the reading bug and begin to devour books.

But it will arrive. It will go by much like the last 10 years have. There’s a line from the movie Finding Neverland where the author of Peter Pan says, “Little boys should never be forced to go to bed because they always wake up a day older.” I’m a little sad to see you climb into bed each night.

Happy 10th birthday, Kelly. As melancholy as I am about seeing my first decade as a parent come to an end, I’m so excited about what the next season holds for me as a parent and for you as an individual. Thanks for letting me fail as a parent with you and still giving me another chance. Thanks for being patient as I figured out which end of our world was right side up. Thanks for bouncing with the ups and downs of our world the past 10 years. Thanks for all of the kisses and hugs and cuddles.

Thanks for a great 10 years, Kelly Dakota.

Good Friday 2009

I just put Tatum, my 8 year old daughter to bed. I'm sad to see her drift off to sleep. This is quite a change from 6 months ago when I would drop into bed exhausted, only to spend most of the night pseudo-sleeping but mostly watching the video monitor (purchased from a local baby store) that was attached to the camera in Tatum's room (other parents of autistic children will identify with this).

It has been an especially Good Friday this year and not for just the religious reasons. I'm getting to know my daughter Tatum in whole new ways. It's an amazing journey filled with simple, everyday moments.

Tatum is autistic. She is highly intelligent. She is near constant motion. Like others on the spectrum, she came with very little need for sleep. I have had an interesting journey as an adult. Nothing has been as challenging as being Tatum's mother.

I made the decision to homeschool Tatum for the 2008-2009 school year. I saw the intense agitation and anxiety melt away, but every day life was still challenging and full of melt-downs.

In November I pursued biomedical treatment for Tatum through the local Autism Solution Center. Blood draws, allergy testing, colon cleansing, stool samples, and major dietary changes have become part of our journey. What I have learned is that there is a reason that Tatum has a hard time making it through any given day-her body is not working well. A lot of stuff is out of sync. But we have a plan now. I have hope that our life will not be tied to neurology visits, EEGs, and increasing amounts of medications.

January 1, 2009, we started the major dietary changes and supplements. I saw my daughter's food cravings disappear (she was the typcial GFCF kid looking for her next fix...shoving fistfuls of shredded cheese in her mouth faster than I could get the refrigerator door shut). She began to eat a wider variety of foods, including meat and veggies. She still misses pizza, but she has an amazingly sweet disposition about all of this change.

This past week, I have seen dramatic changes in her fine motor skills. I have also watched my daughter climb, run, and navigate a playground with no fear or anxiety (a major feat for a kiddo with sensory integration issues-in the above pic, she and Kelly are walking across a broken bridge-this previously would have led to such a high level of anxiety that our hike would have been over, but now it's hardly noticed by her). Her hair texture is changing. Her body is relaxing-she isn't walking around in fight or flight mode anymore.

Sitting at dinner last night with a good friend, I searched for the words to describe a recent outing to my older daughter's drama performance. My friend found the perfect word to describe it: "normal." This incredible experience was made so extraordinary by being completely ordinary...parents all around me were experiencing the same thing, but I was probably the only one celebrating it.

Tatum did not argue with leaving home to attend the performance. We talked in the car on the way to the performance. She did not have any difficulty sitting through the performance. She watched the play and laughed at appropriate times. When it was over, she clapped and ran off to find her sister. I collected both of them and climbed in our car and drove home. Once home, we re-engaged our day's activities without an issue. Normal. Just completely ordinary.

Throughout the whole drama performance, I never once was on high alert for things that might set Tatum off. I did not have to entertain her to try and keep her engaged. I did not have to find ways to work off all of her extra energy. I did not have to have a death grip on her hand in the parking lot to keep her safe. I was able to fully enjoy my daughter Kelly's play.

I am watching her tease and joke with me, her sister, and friends. I am seeing so many circles of communication between her and others that I'm amazed. She's seeking out hugs and touch. She likes to climb up in my lap (which is becoming more difficult as she is growing like a weed).

But it's deceptive. Having done the "normal" route with my easy going Kelly, Tatum's improvements almost sneak by me. Then I will realize how easy a transition was compared to the on the floor meltdowns. I'll observe Tatum upset that no one will play a game with her and remember the girl that only wanted to spend hours in her closet lining up her Little People or Magnetix pieces.

So our bedtime is simple. She has a bath. She puts on her pajamas. She brushes her teeth. She fills her cup of water. We read a story together. I tuck her in. Hugs and kisses. And then she drifts off to sleep. The video monitor has been put up on a shelf. I sleep.

Nothing unique about it. In Tatum's short life, we should have had nearly 3,000 of the same, ordinary bedtimes. We're up to 30, and I'm loving every minute of our normal life.

Zoology with Team Beautiful

Team Beautiful's science studies begin this year with the life sciences, more specifically zoology. I thought introducing the girls to the Animal Planet show Meerkat Manor would be a great way to take a closer look at one of the girls' favorite zoo animals.

The girls became engrossed in the Whisker Family's everyday life, and we quickly moved through seasons 1 and 2 (which involved roughly 15+/- pregnancies by the matriarch Flower). Season 3 has been a much darker season, fraught with death.

This has led to not only studying the Meerkat pups' behavior but also 2 little Team Beautiful pups' behavior. (I would announce "spoiler alert" but we are about a year behind, Season 4 is currently showing on cable). In the latest episode, Flower bravely fought a poisonous snake and was killed. These are both girls' responses to the death of the lead meerkat:

Kelly-(no real words, just weeping and other sad sounds).

Tatum- "Oh, I wonder who will be the dominant female now?"

For additional information, you may find Flower's obituary at http://animal.discovery.com/fansites/meerkat/flower/obituary.html.

For a great article re: people's responses to the death of the "Kalahari Desert Rose", see http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/10/arts/television/10bell.html.

PS: If you see us out and about and Tatum is rubbing her chin on an object, have no fear. It is not another stimming behavior-she just thinks it's funny to "scent mark" things like a meerkat now (Thank goodness she's chosen the more milder form of meerkat scent marking).

Team Beautiful University

School began for the girls and I about a month ago. We have meandered our way through the first few weeks figuring out how long does it take to do a math lesson?, etc. (Answer: about an 15-20 minutes for a quick lesson with some examples and 15-30 minutes for the girls to complete the remaining problems).

The girls are learning that with no school bell to beat and no outpatients waiting for me at LeBonheur we have all the time in the world for them to brush their own hair, put things away, and make their beds before their real day begins.

All in all, we are loving it. Bumps along the way as expected, but Kelly is progressing with her writing as she learns to forget about spelling and *write* (Have no fear, we are also working on her spelling, just in other ways). Tatum's anxiety is melting away, and she is doing some pretty good work. She has decided she would like to write in cursive, so I am teaching her--it's actually much better than her printing.

Her are a few pictures from our first weeks!!!

Phew...

Okay, so there's a little taste of the last half of 2007 and the beginning of 2008...Still more to come (Christmas, Tatum's birthday, New Years Eve, Valentine's Day and many others).

Some School Projects

School has kept us busy, below are a few pictures of the girls' hard work:

Both girls did a report on Tiger Woods for Black History Month. Tatum selected him because "I can read both his first and last names." We had so much fun watching YouTube videos of him as a little kid that Kelly decided to do her report on him too.

More to come...

The Legend of Tatum

Around friends, family, and teachers, a favorite activty is sharing "Tatum Stories." I thought I would update you on a few recent Tatum stories...

1. In February, I received a call from a cafeteria worker at Tatum's school. The lady explained that she was with Tatum, who needed to come home because her loose tooth was bothering her too much to eat, so would I mind coming to pick Tatum up? I kindly explained that while I was happy to leave work and come speak to Tatum about her inability to eat, I was not taking her home.

2. During her gifted and talented class, Tatum and her classmates were challenged to think what Vincent Van gogh would do if he needed to wear glasses (s/p the whole ear cutting off incident). While other kids were busy creating special glasses, Tatum suggested that he could just wear contacts.

3. In preparation for open house back in August, the teacher had each 1st grader draw a picture and write about what they had learned so far in 1st grade. These sheets were waiting for us at the child's seat the night of open house. We were the first to arrive that night. Tatum's teacher suggested Tatum read me hers. I could have climbed under the table when Tatum read (in her flatest voice), "I have learned how to be very bored..."

4. When discussing with Tatum the banning of all words such as "boring, stupid, and dumb" in describing school activities, without missing a beat, Tatum asked, "What about wame ?" (lame in Tatum speak).

5. One night Tatum was having a hard time sleeping, she woke up several times during the night. I found her working 500 piece puzzles (yes, she's my child), reading books, doing math (so not my child). My favorite was being woken up at 2 am by her. She was explaining that Elizabeth had bitten her on her finger and "that wasn't very nice, was it?! I was just trying to pet her and give her some food. But it was ok at first since I could see her, but now she's under the stove and I cannot see her anymore. I'm going to go wake up Kelly!"

When I read parenting handbooks, I don't remember coming across a section on how to keep your hyperactive child from waking up their sibling (who would dissolve into tears over their missing and doomed pet) while simultaneously retrieving a dwarf hamster from under your stove at 2am. I think it would be very helpful if they covered such necessary topics.

6. During morning meeting, Tatum's teacher had decided to discuss a problem that a boy in her class was having. This boy did not like to come to school and would continuously complain that he wanted to be at home. The teacher wanted the other students to encourage this little boy by being positive about what they liked about going to school. Tatum leaned around the teacher and asked the boy, "Have you heard about homeschooling?" While the boy was *very* interested in this option, it was NOT the kind of help the teacher had been looking for.

7. At the pediatrician's office, Tatum needed to pass a hearing screen to start speech therapy. The tech took her from the examining room and I heard laughter from the multiple residents and nurses around (never a good sign). Turns out that the tech had instructed Tatum to raise her hand whenever she heard a beep. The tech started the test and Tatum began making these shoulder shrug movements. When the tech stopped the test to see if Tatum was confused over the instructions, Tatum stated, "Well, you told me to raise my hand when I heard the beeps, but the noises I am hearing are more like tones--is that what you meant or am I supposed to wait for the beeps?"

8. At another check-up, they were screening her vision with the little vision chart. Tatum couldn't identify the letters, so the lady changed to the shape chart. Tatum was still having a hard time, so we gave up and moved on. I scheduled an appointment with an optometrist and told Tatum that we needed to have her eyes looked at. She informed me that "nothing was wrong with my eyes, they just made the letters on the chart too small."

9. At church one night, the pastor dismissed the children to Sunday School by joking, "It's time for the kids to go off to wherever it is that they go, I can't remember where that is..." Tatum was already halfway to the aisle and out of my reach, so I just cringed as I heard her voice, "IT'S SUNDAY SCHOOL! WE GO TO SUNDAY SCHOOL!" The people around her got a good laugh.

10. Tatum was having her speech evaluated by Dana (one of our favorite SLPs!). Tatum requested that Dana read her one of the kids' books in her office. Dana was doing a great job reading the book with such expression and adding little comments about the story. Tatum stopped her and very seriously requested, "Um, excuse me, but could you please just read the story."

So there's the top 10 from the last few months, I'm sure I've forgotten many more but I will post more as I think of them.

RIP: Snowie 2005-2008

The first week of February, a friend borrowed my car. While driving through an intersection (with the green light), Tom was hit by a 2008 Lincoln Navigator. This led to an immediate decline in the value of my car and a whole lot of pain for Tom (he continues to heal). Thankfully, both drivers are healing, no children were in either vehicle, and now it is all a matter of dealing with the at fault driver's insurance company.

The girls were saddened by the loss of "Snowie." Prior to the accident, I had no idea that the girls had a name for our car, but I believe it has started a new tradition for us in naming our cars...

For right now I am thankful that I live close to work and the girls' school-makes life much easier without a car!

Flat Stanley: Memphis to Sydney

Kelly's 3rd grade class read the book Flat Stanley. They then created their own Flat Stanleys and mailed them to friends and family around the world. Kelly sent hers to Aunt Michelle, Uncle Wayne, Ben and Kirsten in Sydney, Australia. From the pictures it looks like Stanley had a great time! He then "flew" back to Memphis with gifts for all of Kelly's class-Thanks, Aunt Michelle!

We can't wait to see you all in July!!!!

Team Beautiful Keeps Growing

In the fall, Kelly's class read a story about a little boy that worked and saved his money to buy a bicycle. She stated that she would like to do that in order to save money for a hamster. We discussed options and settled on a pet sitting business around our apartment complex. It has worked out well, and she saved up the money a lot faster than I had expected!

On December 31st, Kelly went to Petco and selected Elizabeth, a dwarf hamster.

LeBonheur & the Girls

So the girls have made a few appearances on my hospital's website.

Tatum's picture from the Pumpkin Run 2006 has been featured on the commercial for the Pumpkin Run 2007 and during the groundbreaking ceremony for the new hospital. Kelly and Tatum are both featured in the rehab department on a video tour of the hospital. If you go to the link for the 2007 Pumpkin Run, they show a collage of pics from 2006 and you can see Tatum's picture and Kelly (during the costume contest-cheetah girl).

For the groundbreaking ceremony, I was selected to be one of the associates to wear a red fleece to make the heart in the picture above but had to cancel at the last minute...once I saw in the video that the associates were required to hold hands and sway, I was very relieved that I had to miss out. If you watch the video from that day, a few of the kids that are digging at the end of the video have been patients of mine or our rehab department.

Here are the links:

2006 Pumpkin Run: http://www.lebonheur.org/portal/site/lebonheur/menuitem.a88f7a459590241bd11fafd511b18a0c/?vgnextoid=8f169ca0baa6d010VgnVCM1000000917a8c0RCRD

Hospital Tour (you have to watch for a little bit-"Online Welcome Center: Your Care Team"): http://www.or-live.com/vbc/leb/index.cfm?CategoryID=AB19A54C-C3A5-3EBE-49904BDE201ED120

Dear Tooth Fairy...

So Tatum's first grown up tooth entered the world before her baby tooth fell out (seems to be a pattern of ours). She ate a lot of apples and spent a lot of time wiggling her baby tooth. She became so focused on it that her teachers teased that her homework was to pull the tooth out that night! Finally, it came out.

She talked her sister into writing a note to the Tooth Fairy to place with the tooth. Her note to the Tooth Fairy read:

"Dear Tooth Fairy,

I want the tooth and the money.

Love, Tatum"

Yeah, even imaginary adults aren't exempt from Tate.

Halloween 2007

This year we celebrated Halloween with Kelly's friend Mary and her family. Kelly was Mulan and Tatum was Pikachu (surprise!). We did not get around to carving pumpkins this year, so we carved pumpkin pancakes.

Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa, for the great costumes!

Awards Program

At the end of every 6 weeks, Downtown Elementary holds an Awards Program for those students who have earned honor roll, perfect attendance, principal's list, etc. This is Tatum's first year to participate.

Keeping Cool in Downtown Memphis

Just a splash in our local fountains...

Beads*Beads*Beads

This summer our friend, Tom, had a visit from his mother and father. While visiting, Farmor (Tom's mom) decided that what Tatum needed was craft beads (the type that you place on templates and then melt together with an iron). She and Farfar (Tom's dad) purchased over 10,000 beads and containers to sort them in. Tatum was (and still is) in heaven! She wasted no time in organizing everyone (3 adults and 3 older kids) into teams sorting the beads based on color, hue, tint, etc.

Now if we could only find a use for little melted craft beads...

Summer 2007

Summer 2007 will always be remembered as the year of the bugs (at least in Team Beautiful's memory). Here is one of the rare moments when we (all of us!) enjoyed being outside--ice cream trucks help. : )

More Indiana Vacation

Lots more of our trip to Fort Wayne...visiting with (and being spoiled by!) Grandma and Grandpa, visiting Great Grandma Liston, swimming with the Vance Family, going to the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo...It was a great time!

Our Hoosier Cousins

One of the highlights in visiting Indiana is our group of Ramsey Cousins...Mariah, Isaiah, Kyriah, and Shaniah. The girls love seeing their cousins and Uncle Todd and Aunt "-Iah" as Tatum labeled her one year. This year it was baseball and softball time, but we also worked in some bowling and a trip to the Magic Wand.